Poem by Mel Brake (Choice My Life)

Choice My Life

 

This morning I woke up with a gun to my ass

I had to make a choice to give in to the demands of the gunner and become his victim or to die

In this situation fear is your friend and your enemy

 

Fear shouts do not die but live

Fear fights to keep me alive

But does fear have my best interest at heart

 

Living may not be the best choice because

I would become his victim for life

 

 

 

Once my gunner knows that he has me under his gun then

I am his play toy and play thing for life

I would be his more than his victim

I would be his rectum for him to fucked me at will

 

 

 

They say that your life flashes before you

But so did my ass

The pain of being mechanically digitally molested was too much to swear

 

I could hear his violent calls to give in to me and give me what I want

The fucker repeated calls that I am nothing I am nobody I am shit

I began to say them to myself

I am nothing

I am nobody

I am shit

And I added my own newer but familiar ones

 

 

Nobody cares for me

I am a loser

I am worthless

I am undeserving of love and happiness

 

 

But deep within me

The Moon the Sun and Venus gave off a glint of light

Four planets made themselves in a square or mutable cross

Time for me to grow or die

 

 

 

I choice to die

To just die

To die to fear

To die to unwanted demands

To die to others bullshit

To die from just making it

To die to just getting along

To die to the thoughts and opinions of others

To die to working all day

To die from being tired of working all day

To die from not believing in myself

To die from helping others who take and never give

To die from being nice

To die from holding myself back

To die from ass kissing

To die from giving up my power and authority to others

To die from wanting to be liked

To die from not loving and respecting myself

 

 

 

Deep with me Saturn the father of time was in opposition to my heart

Because my time had come to its end

Because through my death comes new life

Because through my death comes a new start

Because through my death comes a new beginning

 

 

Comes a deepening and satisfied feeling of what do I value

Comes a deepening and satisfied feeling of where I am

Comes a deepening and satisfied feeling of self-love and wholly self-worth

 

 

 

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About melbrake

Mel Brake is an awarding winning Philadelphia based poet/singer/song writer, whose poetry has appeared in several media outlets and journals, including Philadelphia Poets 2007, 2008 and 2009, Mad Poets Review, Fox Chase Review, and The Philadelphia Bulletin. In addition, Long Island Sounds: An Anthology of Poetry, Writing Outside The Lines (WOSTL) Anthology, Word Riot Magazine, The New Verse News, Word Salad Magazine and Poetry Ink 2010 has published his works. Recently, his band, the Mel Brake Family Band performed a benefit concert at Cross Road Café in Delaware County. He is the Founder and Executive Director of MPW, a non-profit organization, focusing on using the arts to reach children in the Tri-state area. In addition, his first chapbook, “Obama Poetry Project” is available at: MelBrakEpress.blogspot.com.
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